Defiance

Sometimes it wakes me up abruptly in the middle of the night.....I have the same dream over and over. Disturbing silences breed the truths that hide from everyday chatter. We move forgetting the history of even the last step that our feet took before this one broke beneath us. I saw you yesterday staring at the sun in the middle of the day even when old wives tales taught you that would surely go blind that way. I was proud of you for not listening. I often find myself wondering how many people there are who take the world as seriously as we do. We find ourselves too thoughtful to sleep well some days and to sleepy to think well other days. But the solution to our insomnia is not to wake us, because all this alertness is the damn problem. I wonder if it is okay to put my hand on your shoulder, if I feel like touching which I usually do. If you jerk away I am afraid I will never fell like touching again and honestly that makes me deathly afraid of the ways you may damage my honesty and leave me to collect the spoils. I saw you yesterday staring at the sun in the middle of the day even when old wives tales taught you that would surely go blind that way. I was proud of you for not listening. I have this question to ask and I hope that it doesn't make you mad. If I disappear inside myself, will you come looking for me or just leave? I just get terrified that one of these days my thoughts will stop weaving webs that matter, you will find someone deeper and more natural looking. I wear make-up dammit and I always will. I am not hiding from a damn thing. I like it. It connects me to my mother. I miss my mother sometimes in the middle of my busy day, I miss her and I know that nothing could cure me but the smell of her Clinique face lotion and Anais Anais. My moon has freckles and tanned ivory skin and a smile on its surface and without her light there is little peace at night. But I asked if you would come looking. I mean if I wake up and find myself missing, do you notice any difference between me and anybody who could come and pretend? How would you know? I would know you anywhere because everything you do has your father's insecurities written all over it in defiance. You deal with the world like we are the police harassing you on the side of the road. Sometimes there is a break in that for me and I am so thankful. The moment I didn't feel that way, I would scream out loud that you were missing. I would scream and scream. I saw you yesterday staring at the sun in the middle of the day even when old wives tales taught you that would surely go blind that way. I was proud of your for not listening. I could only really love someone exactly like this, someone exactly like this.........Except he would write about me too, and that is non-negotiable................... I will never find that here........so I gotta move on.......but where the hell does someone like me go........when after dealing with you, I will be secretly punishing everyone I meet for not being you, or acting just the same. Dammit.